Do you know how it hurts so much when you need someone special to you beside you and he doesn’t want to be there for you anymore? When you have many problems that you cant face except if he’s there backing you up. Do you know how it feels like when you can’ stand anything anymore and all you have in mind is that you want to die.
Do you know what it feels like when you’ve lost everything and you’re trying to convince yourself that everything is just fine and ok. You fear to live one more day of this life you’re living. Do you know how it feels when you need your mom so much and she’s never there. She just works and works and then comes and says ‘this is all for you.’ But meanwhile she doesn’t understand anything that is happening to you, and you’re trying to convince her that you’re alright. Do you what is it like to hate a father. Not to stand to even see his face around, or by chance. When you want to tell him in his face ‘I hate you’ with all you heart and power. When you feel stupid and non-existent. When all you do is think about a way to die. To leave it all behind you and never look back. When you have nobody around you, and you fear making a move because you’re thinking that it may be rejected or maybe it wont.
When you want to stay alone in the dark, but afraid. When you need someone badly but you don’t even know who you’re in need of. When everything scares you so much, when you’re afraid of the unknown. When all you see is just black. When you want to destroy everything but all you keep doing is wondering and wishing. Do you ever take decisions? Do you ever do anything? No! did you ever wonder why? Is it all because you’re afraid? Or is it just because you cant? Many questions floating inside your head, but whats the use since they’re unanswered, with no decision; kept with nothing just like that. You want to change everything around you but you just cant.
You want to scream, cry, louder and louder; but who’s listening? Nobody. Everyone keeps watching you from so far away, do they do something? Do they even care? Of course not. What does it feel when you stand before the one you need and you cant do anything or say a single word. What do you do if the one that you need is the one that you must hate. What is it like when the one that usually wipes away your tears is the reason why you’re crying in the first place. What is it like when you can’t look them in the eye. What if you die tomorrow? What if you die the moment you’re looking the one you need straight in the eyes. When is it like when you’re in the lost world. What is it like when you love someone so much and you feel rejected.
What if you just close your eyes and then couldn’t open them back, because you’re simply dead. What if you want to run away, and you just cant. What if everybody around you keeps telling lies. And what usually happens is that others just believe them without even listening to what you have to say. What is it like when everyone keeps accusing you of things you didn’t commit. What is it like when you always pay a lot for things you didn’t do. Why is life unfair? This is a question that everybody keeps asking, and the answer they keep getting is ‘life is like that.’ What is it like when you don’t want to give anymore, because every time you give something precious, you just lost it without getting anything back in return. What is it like when you’re afraid to cry. When you’re in a fight that doesn’t want to end. When every time you search for the honey up the trees, the bees sting you.
When you just want to pick up a rose because it’s so beautiful, but you’re just so afraid of its thorns. When you fear to laugh over something for a moment, because you’re thinking that maybe later, it will make you cry for the rest of your life. What does it feel like, when you want to break many people’s hearts, just so that they’d feel how yours is totally broken. When you hate forgiveness. When you turn out to be a mean beast with a heart that doesn’t even know the meaning of forgiveness. When you feel very stupid and dumb. When you just want to hurt others, so that they can feel how much you’re deeply hurt. When the person you love the most dumps you. When your best friend turns you down. When you decide to be cruel. When your heart is full of darkness, hatred and fear, instead of kindness, joy and safety. When you’re in a deep hole surrounded by fire that keeps burning every piece of you, starting with your heart.
When you become the shark that is searching for its prey. When you feel that someone dragged a painful knife inside your hopeless heart. When, when, when; this is all what you keep saying, but what’s in return? You don’t know, you’re in big trouble, you need a big push to pull you back up again. Who can help? Who will help? Who would even consider? Will your questions ever be answered? Will you find a way out of your lost world? Will you ever be rescued? Will you?
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